Ahhh… I’m feeling so much better today after a relatively good night’s sleep! Our baby boy slept all night long (8pm to 7am – wow!) and I actually slept well. It was such a relief. He is now having a huge morning nap (2.5 hours so far!) so I have managed to get lots done today, and have lunch in peace with my little girl.
Unfortunately I didn’t make it to the doctors yesterday as my car wouldn’t start so I’ve got to go tomorrow. I got myself into such a state and was so stressed out. The stress really got to me yesterday. I’ll try to stay calm this time. I get myself so worked up about just going out sometimes. It feels massively hard sometimes, to get out with two little kids.
Anyway, I was saying to my husband last night that I’m not sure where to go with this grieving thing. I feel like I’m a bit numb about it all and that I don’t know how to ‘access’ my feelings. Then it also occurred to me that I may have already grieved a lot since finding out about NPD and also just generally over the past ten years not feeling like I have a normal mum. Maybe I’m not going to cry my eyes out or rage about my mum (I have done those things before though). Maybe I’m already detached from her to an extent (although I know both my parents still have the ability to really rile me so I need to work on that).